You're not perfect, sport.

And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met. She isn't perfect either ...

Storming a beach, conducting an embassy, ruling a nation are glittering deeds. Rebuking, laughing, buying, selling, loving, hating, and living together gently and justly with your household - and with yourself - not getting slack nor belying yourself, is something more remarkable, more rare and more difficult.

- Montaigne

What do I want to do with my life ?

This year was pivotal in answering this question. For me, it has been one where I learned to reframe my view of a meaningful life. A life “well-lived”.

This piece is an exploration and a reflection of what Will Hunting's search for purpose has taught me about the hamster wheel I found myself in. And why the lessons from the movie and life have led to a reconception of self, destiny, and the pursuit of happiness.

The Hedonic Treadmill

Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody"

- J.D Salinger, Franny and Zooey.

In a study conducted on 22 lottery winners, the average self-reported levels of hapiness 6 month after winning the lottery were no more than the a control group. Some were even unhappier than they had been before winning. The euphoria of a new car, a new house, a fancy vaction fizzles out when they manifest into reality. You are still yourself.

The hedonic adaptation is our coping mechanism to maintain an emotional equilibrium. The pursuit of new, shiny atoms is worthwhile because we are convinced it will bring us hapiness. And then we get there. Days, weeks and months go by and Alas! Tragedy strikes! The Magic Mirror on the wall tells us there newer, fairer, shinier atoms to pursue and oh no, these atoms you’ve acquired just won’t do. IT HAS TO BE THOSE ONES THAT ARE THE KEY TO YOUR HAPINESS.

This hamster wheel ensnares everyone. A life defined as the list of checkboxes. I realized this was what I was living.

So what is the hedonic treadmill? Rona Wang put it better that I ever could, “Often, I would walk along the same street, music tucked in my ears, footsteps meandering as if I had somewhere to go, but somehow never ending up anywhere at all.”

The remedy I believe starts with being brutally honest with yourself. There is this scene in Good Will Hunting towards the end, where Sean asks Will what he wants to do.

I think about this a lot. How many times have I conjured bullshit answers? The bullshit answer for everybody. The snark rebuttal to the double edged “What do you want to do”? How many times have I lied to myself? What do I want to do? A lifetime filled with knowledge yet I cannot give myself a straight answer.

What do I want to do? What would it take to escape this hamster wheel?

The Shoulders of Giants

“If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants”, said Newton. And I know now what he meant.

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If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away.

- Henry David Thoreau

I’ll be honest here. I wouldn’t have appreciated the work of Thoreau if not for Dead Poet’s Society. “To suck out all the marrow of life”. “Carpe diem”. Emerson, Thoreau and the rest of the transcendentalists bubbled to the top of my reading list once I finished the movie.

Trying to live in the way I saw those around me live was crippling. To worship the green bible. Cali or bust. Dude, you need a FAANG company on your resume. Gotta grind more Leetcode. LinkedIn manhunts. Gradually, these burdens dug into me and I ended up puking it all out physically. Anxiety attacks are a mean way to find out you’re not who you’re pretending to be.

Through experiences, conversations, more experiences and more conversations, I came to a sort of revelation. I did not wish to lie in my bed at 80, decrepit and tired, only then to realize that I had wasted my life trying to live someone else’s. Like Thoreau said “Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth”, I decided to rid myself of all the lies and excesses. To give myself truth. “To live deliberately and to front only the essential facts of life”.

And then I asked myself, what do you want to do ?

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Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

- Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here

Pink Floyd’s vitriolic Wish You Were Here album was both an outcry and a lament. Outcry against the forces of a faceless, barren corporate machine and lamentation over their lost friend Syd Barrett, whose excessive use of LSD and later schizophrenia compromised his mental faculties. He became the diamond that never got to shine.

These themes come together in the album’s namesake song, which has been one of my all-time favourites. “Wish You Were Here” refers not specifically to Syd, but to everyone who has failed to make that leap and be free of the mental constraints of your imposed “comfort zone”, and that they are truly absent. To me, the song reflects how we’ve become so fattened by the comfort of stagnation, of domesticity, of consumerism that we forget about our struggle for meaning.

I had chosen that path before. To play a lead role in a cage. To run after those interviews, those names on my resume, those shiny badges and barter blind achievement for something essential to me—curiosity.

And so I asked myself, what do you want to do ?

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I think I have this thing where I need everybody to think I am the greatest, the quote-unquote fantastic Mr. Fox, and if they aren’t completely knocked out and dazzled and kind of intimidated by me, then I don’t feel good about myself.

- Mr. Fox, Fantastic Mr. Fox

Wes Anderson man. I could give an impromptu hour-long presentation on how some of his works have really cut me. Not because of the aesthetics or the cinematography or the composition (although I could probably talk for an hour about that). But because of what the stories mean to me. Fantastic Mr. Fox is a perfect example here.

I’d like to believe that the resolution for Mr. Fox was in realizing what really mattered was the people he had and not his daring stunts or unmatched cunning. Of course, he’d always be the quote-unquote Fantastic Mr. Fox, but that does not make him who he is. And so it goes with life. In our struggle to be more and our attempts to outwit our Bogus, Bunce and Bean, we forget that sometimes it comes to no more than being present.

I had to learn that being present is not a resignation of ambition. That being at peace is not a trait of a loser. Perhaps those who can bear an ordinary life without agony or remorse, are in fact truly fantastic. I understand now that even though we may live in a sewer, perhaps raising your juice boxes and celebrating the 5 and a half most amazing animals we know can be the most valuable experience we have.

Somehow the collective today has lost the capacity to fathom the contendedness of the ordinary. I think the remedy to this amnesia must come from the individual.

And once more, I asked myself, what do you want to do ?

What are we holding onto, Sam?

The Prince of Peace stumbled and fell on the road to Mount Doom. No one but Samwise Gamgee rescued him. In life, I believe we all need a Samwise Gamgee. Maybe even a Faramir. But most importantly, the will to go on. All this uncertainity has helped me mull things over and has distilled some key lessons I thought would be worthwhile.

Life defined as a configuration of values.

At some point in our lives, we all wish we could see an oracle. Hopefully, an old black woman who would tell us not to worry about knocking over a vase and say “Know Thyself” while she bakes cookies. Someone to tell us exactly what we need to hear. In trying to look for this oracle myself, I had a profound realization through a conversation with my friend Ansh from The Second Edit. Our oracles are our values. Our switchboard of values. The little knobs that we twist and turn throughout our life to configure our decisions. Everyone has these, yet very few see them.

We all virtually live the same lives (structurally, at least). What differs is our values. To look past a decision to see the outcome is to look inward and parse your values. Do you want to take that job ? Ask that girl out ? Make time for this hobby ? Trade fulfillment for money ? That switchboard you have has decided. Can you see it ? The hard part is always seeing that switchboard. What do you want to do ? What matters to you ? Why ? These might pull back the curtain and help you see.

Through some hard won struggles, I discovered that life, god, the universe, whatever you believe in - it does not give you anything you want, but it does give you everything you need. It’s up to you to make the struggle worthwhile. Holding onto this switchboard is the best way to do so, as I see it.

The answer is not a hut in the woods.

Thoreau and McCandless could afford the ultimate bucolic escape but we partakers and slaves of the societal contract cannot. Even if we could, would it be worthwhile? Are we the fish so disappointed with water, that we crave the ocean? The only utopias we have are the ones we lost. The concept of being at peace ONLY when you have the hut in the woods is simply fairy dust. I’ve found that the only peace we get is the one we make with ourselves. As Naval Ravikant would say, “Peace is happiness at rest; happiness is peace in motion.” To be happy is being at peace while you pursue an activity. To not wish yourself elsewhere, happier. Somehow less anchored. Somehow less troubled. Somehow alleviated.

Being trampled by work, frazzled by social life and end up busy for its own sake. Or. Living perfectly in harmony with nature, having leisure time and being aloof. The answer is neither if not done with intention, with deliberation. Thoreau, I believe, wanted believe people to understand that happiness comes when you are at peace with yourself, your household and live in harmony with your pupose. Not simply by skipping along and smelling the roses.

Only in the case when you live without intention, without deliberation, without heed to the self are you unsuccessful. Be that living as a farmer or a CEO.

In short, I am convinced, both by faith and by experience, that to maintain one’s self on this earth is not a hardship but a pastime, if we live simply and wisely.

- Henry David Thoreau

The poison of self-bullshit.

As John Varvaeke would define it in his podcast series The Meaning Crisis “See bullshit, unlike lying, works by making you disinterested, unconcerned with whether what is being said is true.” Self-bullshit is to repeatedly make yourself unconcerned with the truth. To fool yourself and then forget that you’ve been fooling yourself.

Lying to others, evading blame, being petty - none of these sins comes close to the sin of bullshitting yourself. Because it is infinitely harder to cure. Why ? Since all the effort is internal. You have AA meetings for addiction, interventions for compulsive behaviours, and reconciliations for past grievances. But nobody can throw you a rope when you bullshit yourself. You are both redeemer and redeemed. It takes more than just initiative to change the path you walk on. Reinforcement and faith are the walking sticks you have to cultivate. Reinforcement that you are being true to that switchboard of values. Faith that your struggles will be worthwhile so long as you stay true.

Mediocrity is not a sin

We all collectively decided that not constantly hustling for that next promotion, that next interview or somehow not being busy is a sign of the incompetent, the loser, the ones with no hand to play.

Whether they tend to their garden or close million dollar deals, the true aristocrats, the glimmering stars are the ones who have discovered tranquility within themselves. The true captains of their heart. Their contended “mediocrities” are immune to the snickers and sordid stares of those who may cling to the hamster wheel. Perhaps it is those who live ordinary lives, true to themselves and their household that deserve the utmost praise and the highest of honours.

In the end, the only shame of being unsuccessful in life is being unsuccessful in living you how want to, the best you can.

To gaze upon a soul

Being on a path where I know better what I want is no reason to look down upon those who don’t yet know. I am not superior in intellect or wiser or more adept at life than those who might still be struggling in the wheel.

I remind myself that my strength comes from knowing I live deliberately. To be at peace with this. Swimming against the tide of social expectations and cultural norms will be a perilous journey. This does not make me exceptional or deserving. Only lucky. Lucky to have realized these truths. Self-discovery is self-effacement.

And he who remembers this when he sees any one whose vision is perplexed and weak, will not be too ready to laugh; he will first ask whether that soul of man has come out of the brighter light, and is unable to see because unaccustomed to the dark, or having turned from darkness to the day is dazzled by excess of light

- Plato, The Republic

And so should there be a time when I look upon someone whose soul is blinded, I ask myself how it is they have come to be this way, and to reach out, without expectation or assurance, and offer to walk the darkness together.

With these lessons, I ask again - what are we holding onto ?

That there is some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And its worth fighting for.

- Samwise Gamgee, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other. That’s the whole deal.

In my short time here on our blue ball in the void, I’ve found no sweeter place to return than this scene in Good Will Hunting. The one where Sean shares that his wife farts in her sleep.

No escape has given me more comfort, and no conversation has cut deeper. No quote has ever found itself etched into my existence like this one has.

You’re not perfect sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn’t perfect either. But what matters is that you’re perfect for each other. That’s the whole deal. That’s what intimacy is about.

- Sean Maguire, Good Will Hunting

I’ve learned that this girl - she can be a new job, a new experience, a new hobby, (maybe even an actual girl) whatever you find via your switchboard. She won’t be perfect. You aren’t perfect. No amount of standing on your tiptoes and looking far down the aisle can reveal to you what it means to be with her. The only way you’re figuring this one out is by giving it a shot. To have faith that you’re perfect for each other. And to have the courage to pick yourself up, even if it isn’t. Perhaps that’s all intimacy is about.

That’s why Good Will Hunting has been and will be my favourite movie of all time. Everytime I watch it, I’m shown something new about how life unfolds. And each time, somehow, just somehow, its the right lesson at the right time.

I guess in the end, what I really want to say is that I’ve started feeling like myself again. To take joy in learning for its own sake. To chuckle, laugh, wince and cry and know that I would not wish myself elsewhere. To raise my head up and know, deep down that the most successful I can be, is in being true to myself.

To look around, and despite the doldrums within life’s change, to smile and not belie myself and remember that this is enough.